The Penguin Blogs

Valentine's and the Power it Holds.

2011-02-14T23:59:00.002-05:00

I have always been skeptical of Valentine's Day. It really wasn't until I could read between the lines what a bull shit day it all is. I mean, one day out of 365 and that is supposed to define your love for one another? Hell, even elementary school kids celebrate it, and they have absolutely NO concept of the term Love. Welcome to the real world people. If you think that you should do something special with your loved one on Valentine's Day, then you should most likely call it quits, since that just means you do nothing else to show your love for one another. There is just no point in you two attempting to make things work if your whole love life just revolves around one dumb fucking day. All it is is another day for places like hallmark to rob your dumbass blind. In fact, if you give in to the ponzi scheme that is Valentine's Day, you should probably go ahead and do the world a favor by killing yourself, because you are clearly part of the world's population that is not part of the "fittest for survival". Let's get serious. It is just a day to waste as much (if not more money) on someone that you'll end up spending on their birthday, or Christmas, or even just accumulated on getting them shit for no reason.

Valentine's Day SHOULD NOT define your relationship. It should be another 14th. There are 12 of them through out any given year. Why is one any more different than another? Riddle me that.

A slight return and a review

2010-07-30T09:22:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I know that it has been...*ahem* a while, since my last post, but I have been busy with school (which I am no longer in) and work and such, but perhaps now I may be able to post a bit more regularly. So, as a return of sorts, I feel like I should review a TV show that has irked me a little bit since I found out about it's existence: Man Tracker. For those who have never heard of this massive mound of crap, Man Tracker is about a guy who wishes he was Grizzly Adams riding around on horse back with some partner of his, attempting to "track" two "runners" who are trying to "escape" "Man Tracker" to get to a "safe zone". "Now, Richard," you may ask, "why did you use so many quotation marks to describe this clearly marvelous show?" Well, the answer is simple: I don't believe in any of the crap portrayed in this hour long circle-jerk of a series.

This Man Tracker guy claims to be able to follow the tracks of two people that are trying to make it to a finish line before he catches them. Of course there is some sort of prize for the contestants if either of them finishes, but it is probably just some form of mouth sex from Man Tracker's horse. The problem I have is that the runners have a full camera crew running along with them. Yes, a full crew. Two camera operators, a boom mix guy, and probably a director. The contestants are usually people that have some sort of background in something that has no real tie to evading crazed Canadian mountain men that can follow your foot prints, such as a black belt in Karate, or being Australian (yes, they were actually in an episode together). But, giving the benefit of the doubt, as I usually always do, I figure that maybe they can really get away from Walker, Canadian Ranger and his sidekick/bar tender CD. But really, this whole camera crew thing really shatters the possibility of ever believing in this show (much like a Ghost Hunter's review I will probably do in the near future). It is obvious that the title character goes out of his way with HIS camera crew to follow the footprints of these escapees, but I am certain that he is just man tracking the people whose careers lead nowhere after the Blair Witch Project and are now stuck holding equipment for the Science Channel forever.

Perhaps, if the "creative geniuses" behind this show did more of a "runners hold the cameras while being mic'ed" set up, I could get behind this show a little bit more, and believe that the Predator actually has some sort of convict-in-the-woods-catching ability. Maybe. And that is a big maybe. Until then, He is just a Canadian meth addict on a horse, with a Native American sidekick, both of which poke the ground and pretend to know what their doing.

Up Words

2009-12-12T19:03:00.004-05:00

So, I finally have a new video up on youtube. It is a short one, and only took like 1 1/2 to film and edit it, but sometimes... that is okay.

Up Words

Go. Watch it. Enjoy. More to come soon.

Well.....

2009-12-04T08:47:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, I know, that it has been over a month since my last post. I could just say I was kind of busy, which is somewhat true. But really, I wasn't sure what to write for a while. But yes, I am still alive. I have seen a bunch of movies recently, but some of them, I just can't describe how bad they are in conventional words. Perhaps, at some point, I will figure it out.

Anyways, So yes, I am still alive. Perhaps, as I am coming up on a vacation away from school, I will be able to write a bit more often. Hopefully, over the break, I will be able to film a couple of skits and things, that I will be able to put up on my Youtube channel, and I might just use this blog as a journal for the everyday goings on. Yes, journal, not a diary (I'm a manly man, damnit!).

Stand by, or I end you.

Perhaps a couple of films reviews soon, as well.

So about that Creed thing.....

2009-11-03T18:44:00.003-05:00

So, in the last blog,i mentioned that I would listen to the new Creed CD, and post a review about it. Well, I have listened to it, and no words int he human language can describe how awful it is. In fact, the only way I could actually sum up the album sound be to scream at the top of my lungs until my vocal cords went out, then blare two air horns right into your face. That is the only way I would be able to endure the mental pain that I went through in trying to listen to that album. Plus, it took me about 4 tries to get through the damn thing just once.

You know what, just think of some one hitting you between the legs with a barbwire bat. Yeah. It is that fucking bad.

But enough about that.

I continue to watch a good bit of TV in my down time, and I start to get really aggravated when the commercial starts to bash some other competitor. I can understand why they do it, but it just gets really damn annoying. The more it goes on though, the more I think that the writers of Demolition Man had some strange deja vu about the Franchise Wars. I think, fairly soon, we are going to see a battle between the Burger King and Ronald McDonald in a Thunderdome on primetime basic cable, for the end of one of the companies (my bet is on Ronald, simply because he still has Hamburgler, Mayor McCheese, etc. floating around in the shadows somewhere). But I do doubt that Taco Bell will be the winner of the wars, seeing as the Taco Bell dog did die a couple of months ago, unless someone dresses up like a giant Gordita for the brawl. I just don't want to be forced to eat Waffle (or Huddle if you are not in GA) House for the rest of my life, if somehow that wins(because I am sure that a lot of the employees are on meth, and have appeared on Springer or Maury a couple of times).

My Strange Brain: Trailer Parks and Ghettos

2009-10-31T02:56:00.000-04:00

As mentioned before, I have been watching Jerry Springer and Maury Povich a good bit lately, and mentioned that many of the people on those shows are from trailer parks or ghettos. All of the sudden, my strange brain started thinking aobut how many of these people are clearly on either crack or meth, and when you see the elders of these people, they clearly are into the same thing. Perhaps they are sharing the same piece to smoke with. I have no clue, nor do I care. But think I started thinking, "What causes these people to start smoking such a drug?". Then it occured to me, perhaps they have a Birds and the Bees like speech with whom ever, in the generation before them, on why crack or meth are a good thing. I figure it probably goes something like this:

Uncle Glen-Joe-Hippomitomitus VI: "Terry-SlimJim-Coors-Papst, thur dun come a tyhem in eurvery mains life, wen u jus' plum dun gots ta smoke meth, lik ur pappy, and him pappy 'fore him. Meth halps u diferend da trailur park furm dem aleiums dat tri to do duh butt rhapesin' on us. Ya guts-ta stop duh butt rapesin', boi."

I can't tell you how hard it was to write those 3 sentences. I think my IQ dropped faster than the next Lil' Wanye mix tape. And that shit drops like a deuce to a kid with the runs. But I digress. I just don't understand this whole crack thing. It's not like these people are smoking it and getting anything done, other than making more babies for the welfare checks to keep rolling in. Well.... I guess the rednecks are driving cars in a left circle at retarded speeds for several hundred miles...... Without the crack, they would probably just fish all day....... Or hunt...... or drink beer and watch Nascar all day...... Now that I think about it, nothing good comes from either scenario. And thus..... I fail.

I thought it was over....

2009-10-30T21:35:00.000-04:00

So, whilst watching TV this evening, a commercial came on that made my eyes roll into the back of my head, my flesh being to rot and peel off, and what brain I have left, ooze through every orifice in my head. Yes, I am referring to the new album from Creed. Yeah, the "Arms Wide Open" guys, with the lead singer (Scott Stapp) who wishes with all of his tiny singing "abilities" that he was Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam.

Now, I was certain, that after the band broke up for the first time, after Scott's super ego drove a wedge between him and the rest of the band, and the small drunken fight Scott got into with a couple of the guys from 311, that their reign or mind-numbingly awful, putrid, excuse for music was finally over. Damn it come back albums. Next thing you know, Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls will release new material..... Oh, wait...... They are coming out with new albums. Great. As R.E.M. said "It's the end of the world as we know it," but I don't feel anything close to fine. I feel like the 1000 Pound Man is sitting on my head, both effectively suffocating me and crushing my head at the same time. And even then, that seems like it is better than a new fucking Creed album. We.....are......doomed......

So to come, a review of the new Creed album. Just be glad I am putting myself on the line for you. And don't be surprized if you hear that a guy from Georgia stabbed himself in the eardrums with icepicks....

My Strange Brain: Word Association

2009-10-29T16:58:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, when I am super bored, I take the first word that I think of, and run with it. Today, it was "thunder". Let's look at what i thought:

Thunderdome
Thundercats
Thunder in Paradise
Thundaar the Barbarian
Thunder Thighs

Then I took it a step further.

Someone builds a Thunderdome, on the original set of Thunder in Paradise, and pit Thundaar against Lion-o of the Thundercats against each other....... and Lion-o has thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder thighs. OH!!!!!!!!!!!!

That that is my strange brain....

Jerry Springer and Maury Povich

2009-10-29T13:56:00.000-04:00

So, in the downtime that I have, I decided to watch shitty basic cable. I recently began watching Springer and Maury (again), and every time either show comes on, I forget that it is all clearly staged. Not because the acting is so bad, but every time, it drives me nuts how ugly all of these people are. And clearly, no amount of make up could fix this in anyway. But I tend to wonder how much these people are getting paid to come on these shows and act like the raging stereotypes they portray. I mean, the tickets are free, are these people really putting themselves out they for just the ridicule that will come with it? Not that anyone else in their respective trailer parks or ghettos are any better, but still.

Case and Point:
Diamond Dave and his a-ninja teachin' flicks. I saw the first Jerry episode that Dave was on, and it has always stuck with me that he mentioned he had been watching a bunch of "Chuckie"Norris and Jean (pronounced Gene) Claude Van Damme films he had been watching recently. Dave then decided that he was a master karate man, and released a video about his sweet ninjy skillz (which, of course, is viewable on Youtube). He looks like someone threw a rag doll at someone a bunch of times, with all of his flailing about and retard like ninjy and judi chops (yes, that is how he says them).

Of course, perhaps, these people really have no interaction with anyone other than those they bring to the show. I can just imagine a small wooded area with 2 trailers across from one another, and the residents are both related to each other, and "get their sex" on on a regular basis. Something tells me their sex involves something very close to a bunch of seizures occuring at the same time, until someone just says, "IIIIIIIIIIIII'm done. Want some jerky and Schafer Light?" (both of which are a high honor in imbred circles).

And every episode Maury ever does tend to be paternity tests. Like the sluttiest women in America, that somehow aren't to the standards of "Girls Gone Wild", sleep with as many men as possible, so see if they can get in the Guinness Book of World Records for Most STDS Contracted in a Single Lifetime award. I am just waiting for the episode where the baby is not the woman's. You know, add a new angle to things.

Sometimes, I wish Maury would team up Geraldo, and they can be the Hardy Boys, and solve sweet mysteries together, like the Mystery of Where the Other Sock Goes in the Dryer. Or, The Mystery of Who can Survive the Most Stab Wounds in a Single Knife Fight. Geraldo and Maury of course would be the test subjects in that, and I think that Geraldo would kill Maury, then get stabbed to death by a forelorn and pissed off Connie Chung, in the study, with a samurai sword. Maybe they can all just sit around playing Clue together, or Guess Who. Or figure out why shows like The Hills, Desperate Housewives, Jerry Springer, The Maury Povich Show, Wendy Williams, Tyra Banks, Desperate Housewives of Atlanta and Orange County are still on the air, and how the fuck Geraldo keeps getting work. I wish we could put them in a Saw scenario, and only one of them can survive, only to go into the next room, and be murdered by the ghost of Fatty Arbuckle, in the dining room, with a broken bottle.

I really want to play Clue now....

Stephanie Fucking Meyers, and her shitty vampire series

2009-10-27T23:42:00.000-04:00

So, as we all know, everybody loves the shitty shit fest that is Twilight, and many millions of dumbasses wait for the next unfortunate installment in the series, New Moon. Just as I said with the 1000 Ways to Die series, this saga is FUCKING RETARDED!!!! Vampires just glitter when in sunlight? There are werewolves in the middle of the fucking day? A. what is Stephanie fucking smoking in order think of any of this bullshit, and B. why the shit does anybody enjoy these pieces of shit? There is no plot, nor development, and everyone acts like they have all been struck with rigor mortis, whilst still alive. I would rather be strapped to a chair and forced to watch every episode of Barney and Teletubbies back to back with no interuption than sit through any Stephani Meyers based movie. I mean, I hate vampires enough as it is, becuase there are so over done, but really? REALLY? Even Twilight pisses on the vampire mythos, then buries it in the cat box. Somewhere, Nosferatu and Dracula are spinning in their fucking coffin, and throwing up ever person they have ever eaten. God damn, vampires have gotten gayer than ever imaginable. Thanks Stephanie Meyers. You are a royal cunt, with idiots that eat your shit up. Next time, fuck up something that has no possibilty of ever being better. Like Spy Kids. You douche.

1000 Ways to Die

2009-10-27T19:15:00.000-04:00

I just watched an episode of 1000 Ways to Dies, and began to get really pissed off. The show itself, shows how to die in several different ways, clearly, but the ways they show are fucking retarded. One way includes a "catch a bullet' trick, involving a guy dying through unknown dust or something. The show its self is fucking bullshit. You would have to be a complete tard to fuck up this bad in this show. one would know that these ways to die are the dumbest ways in history to "bite the bullet". any and everyone that see this show would know that any way to die in this series is the biggest waste of time. People die through strangulation, full on shooting, slit wrists, and blunt head trauma, not a fake bullets and a corninary. 1000 ways to die is the biggest piece of bullshit ever to be aired on tv. Even moreso that The Hills and other "reality" TV shows ever. Wrestling is more realistic than this fuck show. Anyone can see through the bullshit of this show.

No one fucking dies this way, Ta Da!!!

Customer Service: People Fucking Hate You....

2009-10-06T21:34:00.000-04:00

Now, i can understand, when some people call customer service they get frustrated. Clearly, no one calls these people to tell them that they are doing a great job. But why scream at them? That is what I don't get. All they really can do is take note of your problem, either attempt to ship you the part, send someone to help you, or see what they can do in the computer to solve your problem.

Perhaps it is just stranger when you think about which Cust. Serve people you scream at. You'll scream at the outsourced HP support because you can't understand them. But you aren't about to pop a vessel yelling at OnStar, even though the woman on the other end sounds like Fran Drescher gargling razorblades, you aren't going to scream at her because you need those paramedics to come and remove the steering wheel that is half sticking out of your guts. But you are more than pleased when you can scream at the tv guy because the reception on your satillite is going out because of a huge rainstorm that is travelling your way, like Chet on the other end can turn on his tempest weather machine and make the bad, bad rain to go back to the land of Smurfs and Goblins.

"But why should I listen to you, Richard? What the hell do you know?" I have actually done portions of customer services for over 5 years. I have had to deal with these sorts of people for things like, "I TOOK A SHIT IN MY COSTUME!!!! YOU NEED TO TAKE IT BACK AND GIVE ME A NEW ONE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! IT NEEDS TO BE DELIEVERED TO MY DOOR BY A MERRY BAND OF MINSTRELS, AND BRITISH GUY THAT WILL REFER TO ME AS KING!!! YOU HAVE 10 MINUTES, AND I AM CURRENTLY IN MUMBAI!!!!" We just laugh at people like that, and then tell the tales of dickheads passed to co-workers as training, and Blog about it on websites, like anyone else wants to read about it...... Wait......

I have just never understood why people do it. Why yell at someone trying to help you? Sure it can be annoying, but going hoarse doesn't get shit done faster. My dad is one of those people that you can heard through the house when our internet goes down for longer than 10 minutes. Perhaps it is ust the primative parts of people's brains coming into play, and they are just two steps from pissing on people, and throwing their own shit. Being rational just isn't for everyone, I guess...

Old People: The Epidemic

2009-10-06T17:53:00.000-04:00

Old people are a rising epidemic. They are everywhere. They are impervious to anything but the cold, methodical hands of the Grim Reaper, himself. They are like the zombies from Return of the Living Dead.They can "think", move, drive (for whatever reason), and use all of our good air in small canisters hooker directly to their nose holes, not letting anyone else haveany, like it is something they have earned. Those bastards.

I am sure many of us remember the incident in California a few years ago, where an old guy was one some medication, and drove onto a pier (through the blockage that was set up, mind you) and killed about 7 people. He should have had his license stripped year ago, like many old people over 80. I think that the government should do a new license renewal test when old people are 80, to make sure they are still competent to even operate a vehicle. I can't tell you how many times I am stuck behind the little old lady that can barely see over the steering wheel , just waiting for death's sweet embrace, barely able to move the steering wheel, let alone drive the car.

Another point would be Ted Kennedy. Granted we really wasn't that old when it happened, but Ted survived a plane crash and like two car crashes. Old people are too strong. Many people hear stories of grandma and grandpa taking like 10 bullets to the chest, and still being able to go to the store. It is just friggin' ridiculous. But I have finally found a way to end them. Their true weakness. And it has been right under our noses the whole time. Floors. Floors are their biggest enemy.

It didn't hit me until the other day. A LifeAlert commercial was on talking about how granny died because she was on the floor for too long. People, all you have to do is put something important to them on the floor, and it is game over, Father Time. Their heart medication, the remote control around the same time The Price is Right or Matlock reruns are about to air, even a dollar, right on the floor, then being your greetings for your sweet, sweet soon to be inheritance. There is a way for senior population control, people. No longer with the smell of mothballs stick on your clothes several weeks and washes after your last visit to Gam Gam and G-pa. And that sweet 86's Buick is all yours.

Kids and Cellphones

2009-10-03T23:26:00.000-04:00

Call me old school, but I was born in the 80's. I protested having a cellphone until I got my first job at 16, because they were pieces of shit, and still really are. I remember the "Zack Morris" cellphone what was a shaved down cinder block with an stick on it, pretending to be an antenna. I have worked in retail for 5 years, and several times I would see 8 year old kids with their own cell phones, and not just the Elmo one, but serious BlackBerries. No shit. And it was THIER CELLPHONE. Not their parents, but their own personal phone. Granted it could be a hand me down. But I seriously doubt that these kids have an important business call that they just have to fucking take from Boston that could make or break the Disney Princess Birthday party proposal they have been working on the last 6 months, making them neglect thier stuffed animals and missing important tea party dates with Barbie and her friends.

Now, I can understand that people want to be able to make sure little Johnny and Suzie are okay that their faggy fucking "play dates", but just call the parents that this is going on at. Or better yet, just go over there. My parents did that all the time. They would check up on me. Sure I hated it, but at least I know that I wasn't an 8 year herion junkie. I had to stay clean, in case my parole officer parents came to check up on me. You can't be strung out on yoohoo and string cheese in those situations. I can only imagine the dialogue when that kid's phone rings.

Open on: Jimmy and Sam

Jimmy: Pechew, pechew. I shot you! You're dead!!!
Sam: You're a cheater! *phone rings* Hold on, Jimmy. Hello? Mom, baby, sweetie, darling, how are you this afternoon? Did you get that gift basket I set ya? Nice, nice. What? Yeah, Jimmy and I are just playing Cops and Robbers. Yeah, I'm wearing my knee pads. I know, I know, I have to take it easy, I can't afford another heart attack. It is crazy that I had a heart attack at 8, but I am just working myself to death trying to get this deal with the Cookie Monster closed, that I haven't been able to get much me time. Yeah, do me a favor, and book me a play date with Samantha, she is great at the massage thing. Alright, thanks babe. Oops, I have Billy on the other line, I just have to take this, but I'll call you when I'm ready to get pick up, alright? OKay, heh heh, okay, love you, too, mom. Yeah, smooches back at you.
Jimmy: Damn moms, right?
Sam: Yeah, I'd fire her, but her grilled cheese is the best. Hold can i pass that up, you know?

It is just disturbing to me that kids have cell phones now. What disturbs me more is that they have ones that are better than the piece of crap that I am stuck with. Of course, these same 8 year olds also have Myspace and Facebook pages and Twitter accounts that probably just say other stupid crap like "getin bath. I hat dem lots. champoop in mai i." Damn kids. This just shows how spoiled kids are getting. Back in my day, I had a crappy computer with Windows 3.0, and was content with the pressing business of helping Commander Keen fight aliens, and geting numbers and words munched. Then later going and jumping on a trampoline at a friend's house. Occasionally playing Pokemon, when I got older..... and it came out. But now kids have to talk to their friends on their cellphones in stores like their parents do. Fucking kids.

You will come to find out that I hate kids and old people, but more on that later.

Numero Uno

2009-10-02T22:03:00.000-04:00

There comes a time in every person's life where they must write things on the internets. I am here to do that. Like either of us really had anything better to do with our fucking time. Any weasels, I tend to watch really bad movies on the internet, TV, and in theaters (but rarely because that sit is expensive). It depresses me to admit that I have seen all of the Uwe Boll "video game" films to date, and several of their sequels. I have no clue how I have not clawed out my own eyes, or melted like I just opened up the Ark of the Covenant. I will admit that many of the movies haunt my dreams, and I tend to find myself, stumbling around in the middle of the night, apparently searching for a large meat grinder to jump into. Sadly though, as I am a glutton for punishment, I am constantly in search of new, shitty movies to scar myself with. If I can find it, I will watch it.......... and hate myself. Alot.

As things go on, I'll figure out what to put on here. Maybe. Most likely. Perhaps.

Fuck Jon and Kate Plus 8.