Old People: The Epidemic

Old people are a rising epidemic. They are everywhere. They are impervious to anything but the cold, methodical hands of the Grim Reaper, himself. They are like the zombies from Return of the Living Dead.They can "think", move, drive (for whatever reason), and use all of our good air in small canisters hooker directly to their nose holes, not letting anyone else haveany, like it is something they have earned. Those bastards.

I am sure many of us remember the incident in California a few years ago, where an old guy was one some medication, and drove onto a pier (through the blockage that was set up, mind you) and killed about 7 people. He should have had his license stripped year ago, like many old people over 80. I think that the government should do a new license renewal test when old people are 80, to make sure they are still competent to even operate a vehicle. I can't tell you how many times I am stuck behind the little old lady that can barely see over the steering wheel , just waiting for death's sweet embrace, barely able to move the steering wheel, let alone drive the car.

Another point would be Ted Kennedy. Granted we really wasn't that old when it happened, but Ted survived a plane crash and like two car crashes. Old people are too strong. Many people hear stories of grandma and grandpa taking like 10 bullets to the chest, and still being able to go to the store. It is just friggin' ridiculous. But I have finally found a way to end them. Their true weakness. And it has been right under our noses the whole time. Floors. Floors are their biggest enemy.

It didn't hit me until the other day. A LifeAlert commercial was on talking about how granny died because she was on the floor for too long. People, all you have to do is put something important to them on the floor, and it is game over, Father Time. Their heart medication, the remote control around the same time The Price is Right or Matlock reruns are about to air, even a dollar, right on the floor, then being your greetings for your sweet, sweet soon to be inheritance. There is a way for senior population control, people. No longer with the smell of mothballs stick on your clothes several weeks and washes after your last visit to Gam Gam and G-pa. And that sweet 86's Buick is all yours.