Jerry Springer and Maury Povich

So, in the downtime that I have, I decided to watch shitty basic cable. I recently began watching Springer and Maury (again), and every time either show comes on, I forget that it is all clearly staged. Not because the acting is so bad, but every time, it drives me nuts how ugly all of these people are. And clearly, no amount of make up could fix this in anyway. But I tend to wonder how much these people are getting paid to come on these shows and act like the raging stereotypes they portray. I mean, the tickets are free, are these people really putting themselves out they for just the ridicule that will come with it? Not that anyone else in their respective trailer parks or ghettos are any better, but still.

Case and Point:
Diamond Dave and his a-ninja teachin' flicks. I saw the first Jerry episode that Dave was on, and it has always stuck with me that he mentioned he had been watching a bunch of "Chuckie"Norris and Jean (pronounced Gene) Claude Van Damme films he had been watching recently. Dave then decided that he was a master karate man, and released a video about his sweet ninjy skillz (which, of course, is viewable on Youtube). He looks like someone threw a rag doll at someone a bunch of times, with all of his flailing about and retard like ninjy and judi chops (yes, that is how he says them).

Of course, perhaps, these people really have no interaction with anyone other than those they bring to the show. I can just imagine a small wooded area with 2 trailers across from one another, and the residents are both related to each other, and "get their sex" on on a regular basis. Something tells me their sex involves something very close to a bunch of seizures occuring at the same time, until someone just says, "IIIIIIIIIIIII'm done. Want some jerky and Schafer Light?" (both of which are a high honor in imbred circles).

And every episode Maury ever does tend to be paternity tests. Like the sluttiest women in America, that somehow aren't to the standards of "Girls Gone Wild", sleep with as many men as possible, so see if they can get in the Guinness Book of World Records for Most STDS Contracted in a Single Lifetime award. I am just waiting for the episode where the baby is not the woman's. You know, add a new angle to things.

Sometimes, I wish Maury would team up Geraldo, and they can be the Hardy Boys, and solve sweet mysteries together, like the Mystery of Where the Other Sock Goes in the Dryer. Or, The Mystery of Who can Survive the Most Stab Wounds in a Single Knife Fight. Geraldo and Maury of course would be the test subjects in that, and I think that Geraldo would kill Maury, then get stabbed to death by a forelorn and pissed off Connie Chung, in the study, with a samurai sword. Maybe they can all just sit around playing Clue together, or Guess Who. Or figure out why shows like The Hills, Desperate Housewives, Jerry Springer, The Maury Povich Show, Wendy Williams, Tyra Banks, Desperate Housewives of Atlanta and Orange County are still on the air, and how the fuck Geraldo keeps getting work. I wish we could put them in a Saw scenario, and only one of them can survive, only to go into the next room, and be murdered by the ghost of Fatty Arbuckle, in the dining room, with a broken bottle.


I really want to play Clue now....